The View on Troubled Teens #2-parenting

Earlier I "blogged" a simple list on "why" people think teens struggle. I have seen and worked with teenagers that have struggled from each section of that list. Below is some of the guidance/tactics/ideas that have worked within the program and worked when applied upon their return home.

1. Boundaries-teenagers need to know there are boundaries within their home. a)"No" means "no." Sounds simple, it is simple. When a parent says "no" there is no discussion/manipulation that follows. b) Pretty much every time a parent gives a consequence (takes a phone away, grounds them, takes their keys), the parent feels some of the consequence as well. That is OK and needed. Your son/daughter will survive without their phone for a weekend/week. You will have to drive them to practice or pick them up at school. Both may be an inconvenience, but it will be impactful. Bear the consequence with your child-you both will be better for it. c) Give consequences that you can follow through with and not deviate. Meaning-don't say something you cannot back up. Don't take their phone/keys for a year. It loses its effect quickly anyway. Take them for a weekend or a week. Teens will figure out a work-around or get comfortable without their phone/car. d) Say no 80% of the time. Fulfilling their every want is not your job as a parent. It is your job to fulfill their "needs." Your are their parent and not their friend. A good friend will tell you "no," when they believe it is the right answer. Shouldn't you tell your child the same. You are their parent and not their friend. This also ties directly into a).

2. Expectations-many teenagers perform right below or at the level that is expected of them. This means set "high" expectations. I am not writing about sports, academics, etc... I mean expectations around behavior in "your" house. This encompasses being respectful, eating what you put in front of them, doing chores, etc... It falls back on what your parents probably expected you to do at home when you were a teen. This is also something that will change and adjust through time. If you have had no expectations then raising them to high is unrealistic. If they are returning home from a program-follow their guidance on how high is realistic.

3. Get to know them-as your teen gets older, they tend to grow away from you and towards their social group. That is OK and natural. That being written, you should continue to grow with them. Listen and talk with them. Take them on trips and spend time with them. Know their friends, teachers, dislike, and likes. That being written does not mean, you should become their friend-know your role. It is contained in #1,#2 :)

4. Go with your gut-this is perhaps the best piece of advice that was shared with me and I will share with you. You know what is right and wrong. If you feel uncomfortable with them going out Saturday night-say "no." If they have a friend you don't trust, they aren't allowed to hang out with them. If you don't like a movie they are going to watch-turn it off. "Go with your gut." You do not have to justify with your teen about why you are telling them "no." That is your responsibility as a parent.

As I wrote in my earlier post-this is not an "all-encompassing" list that will make you a "perfect" parent (no such thing)! It may give you a couple extra tools to use or justifications to do what you know is right. There may be no "perfect" parent, but almost all parents are "good" parents!